Sometimes you have to tell a sad story.

This past few months have been pretty difficult for me. There has been so much going on and I feel like I may have put my emotions aside so it would be possible for me to "go on" with my life.

I have realized that going on with my life is not as easy as I thought it would be.

In Early March we had a miscarriage. It was terrible. It was painful. It was messy. I took a week off of work and then went on with my life like nothing had happened..at least on the outside.

Last week we found out that again we had lost a baby. I had to have a d&c on Friday, which was not as easy as I had hoped. The good part about it is that I didn't have to see anything. The bad part about it is that I didn't have to see anything.

I have a bicorunate uterus. Which means it is shaped like a heart. A friend of mine wrote to me "A heart shaped uterus? How can such a lovely shape cause such sorrow?" I kind of think anything that a heart is involved with causes so much pain as well as happiness.

It has been 3 days since my procedure and the cramping is subsiding but the emptiness seems to be creeping in, no matter how hard I am fighting it.

I have a little boy to think of, I can not take time out to be selfish and sad. I have to make sure he is ok. I have playing to do and housework to do. My heart isn't in it though. As much as I try to push myself to do my normal thinks, it is not working. I can't seem to bring myself to catch up laundry or do the dishes. I feel like it will all still be there later.

I had a terrible experience with the doctor's office which has not helped my emotional state. I was made to feel like it was just another "oh, well" situation. It is far from that. These were my children. These were my flesh and blood. Why would someone try to downplay that? What is wrong with people?

So many people that I know, have gone through this very sad situation. I guess I never thought that I would have these problems. Coming from a huge family, it never occurred to me that this could happen, until it happened.

I am not mad or jealous of my friends that have had good pregnancies, because I have had one myself. Maybe I am only meant to have one child on this earth, and for that I am blessed and grateful.

I just wish God would reveal just a little tiny bit of his plan for me so I could see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.

For now, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, just an oncoming train.

xo
T